We Don’t Live Here Anymore

In our efforts to sell our home, we have consulted with a guru stager. She knows what people want to see when shopping for a home. Her job is to make the house look as ideal as possible for the largest market share based on research.

Interestingly to me, the way you stage a house is very much different from the way you decorate your home after you buy it. The objectives are very different. When staging a house for sale, you avoid color and decor that attracts the eye away from seeing the architecture of the house.

You basically “put your house through the blander” as we like to say.

You make it generic and bland. Color is evil and to be completely avoided unless it is on a pass-by wall that does not attract the eye’s attention and will not be in the marketing photos. As our guru was explaining this and then pointing out the things in our home that have to go, I could see poor Steve’s blood pressure rising.

No, really.

He began exclaiming how he loves color. Soon thereafter, he began foaming at the mouth. Before the guru’s exercise was complete, Steve was rolling around on the floor with dust bunnies in his mouth completely incoherent. My point is: this did not go over very well with my husband.

So the color on the walls, and we do have some vivid color around here, had to go. A great deal of furnishings had to go. Most of the artwork had to go. Oh, and dear god in heaven, even the books, on the shelves, whose covers had color, had to go. Steve was delirious with fever!

I knew this was going to be the case, and I told him beforehand that we were either going to be all in or not do it at all. We had to decide, and I let him make this decision as I knew he was the one who was going to suffer most.

Though immensely difficult, he decided we are all in.

Yesterday the process started with the painters. All of the beautiful light but vivid colored bathrooms went through the blander. His bright yellow office went through the blander. Everything is now “alabaster”. In other words, everything that had anything but the palest suggestion of color (in other words: non color colors) is now white.

Interestingly, I was the one that was the most horrified at the finished result. I only thought I remembered how boring the house looked when it was all alabaster from top to bottom. I literally can’t stand it!

Steve was out of the house, that was for the best, while much of this process was underway. I told him he had better take a bottle of Valium before coming home. I had already taken two and was still apoplectic. The house just looks horrible to me — just horrible!

Basically, we don’t live here anymore. It’s no longer a reflection of us.

Tomorrow the admittedly bold colored curtains come down from the only room in the house that has curtains. and, worse yet, the iPhone photo montage comes down.

If you missed it, here is a post about the iPhone photo montage that greets guests at the front door. All of the photos were shot on Steve’s iPhones through the years.

As the removal of the photo montage will be worse than death itself, I thought I should shoot a time lapse of the funeral. Hopefully Steve survives the grief.

We hired a company that specializes in art installations to hand the iPhone photo montage. I knew I would never get the 16 photos straight and equidistant. Hiring them was worth every penny they charged as the photos are flawlessly hung.

I hated to see them come down. we no longer live here any more. We just still sleep here at night.