Andy Borowitz Portrait

Andy Borowitz Outdoes Himself

Andy Borowitz Portrait
Source: Wikipedia

Two hysterical important press releases from the Borowitz Report:

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – One day after announcing that she would be a commentator on the Fox News Channel, the network revealed that former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin‘s appearances would be simulcast in English.

“We are delighted that Gov. Palin will, for the first time, be understandable to the English-speaking audience,” said Fox News chief Roger Ailes. “This should create a whole new fan base for her.”

Gov. Palin praised the decision, adding, “I know many Americans will be interested in understanding what I have to say and I will also too.”

In a related story, Fox said it had “no interest” in hiring funnyman Conan O’Brien, explaining, “Sarah Palin takes care of our comedy needs.””

And also:

THE BOROWITZ REPORT – Just hours after saying that God was punishing Haiti for making a “pact with the Devil,” televangelist Pat Robertson retracted the statement, telling TV viewers, “Haiti? I thought they said ‘Hades.'”

Rev. Robertson said that he had heard the report of the earthquake on the radio and had misinterpreted its location: “For the life of me, I thought God was punishing Hades, which does in fact have a pact with the Devil.”

Apologizing for his “goof,” the televangelist told his TV audience, “Golly – people must’ve thought I was being an insensitive asshole.””

[Source: Fox: Palin’s Appearances to be Simulcast in English – Borowitz Report.]